In believing this, I am still staying authentic to myself-this time I am just putting all my cards in the hands of change. Country music isn’t bad, and in five years I might even completely enjoy country music. Right now, I need to figure out what I want to figure out. Oftentimes, I find myself thinking I need to have everything figured out at this very moment, but in reality, that’s for the rest of my life.
Just because we college students have 20-plus years of experience living with ourselves does not mean that we know everything about ourselves. The more we push ourselves out of our comfort zones, the more comfortable we become with ourselves. And, apparently, the more likely one is to accept change, the more likely one is to have a greater understanding of different perspectives. Allowing ourselves to be open to new ideas gives us new experiences to enjoy. I think it is a healthy habit to introduce oneself to new things. Perhaps this realization is just me trying to justify the change, but I still think I am staying true to the extreme views I have always carried. In being open to my growing appreciation of country music, am I not fully embracing myself? Am I not acting extreme in a new sense? Extreme as in, I am going “all in” on embracing my openness. “Starting to appreciate” is not only a way of saying, “I’m changing,” but it also implies that I am open to the change. At the same time, this statement doesn’t actually deviate from my persona. So now, when a country song comes on, I often find myself beginning to utter the line, “I hate cou–” before stopping and replacing it with the sentence, “I have started to appreciate country.” And this is a true statement. And, to make matters worse, I have now curated a false identity by saying the phrase, “I hate country.” I feel I am not holding true to myself, and it aches to know that I am not embracing that extremist side I have grown so fond of. I have spent 20-plus years-20 PLUS-building a musical identity around a belief that all of a sudden seems irrelevant.
So, what happened to me? It feels like I sold my soul. Now, I know this rough 1 percent isn’t that dramatic, but when you throw in my passionate, self-proclaimed hatred for country music and my tendency to stick to extremes, I get a little scared seeing “ Thinkin’ Bout Me” show up in my recommended songs. Twenty-one of my 1,512 liked songs on Spotify are classified as country. But in the last year, my taste has changed.
And if a country song came on one of my friends’ aux, I made sure to voice my disdain for the genre. If every other station was playing commercials, I would turn the radio off altogether, telling myself to enjoy the silence over my country nemesis. If Morgan Wallen came on the radio, I would instantly find another station.
One thing I always used to avoid is country music. And I can’t tell if this is holding me back or if it’s helping to push me out of my comfort zone. Lately, however, I feel I’m losing my extremity. But I dislike every other vegetable-there is no in between. So, I overcompensate for the lack of other green things on my plate with heaps of broccoli. In my opinions, beliefs, and actions, I have long thought that it’s all or nothing.
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